Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
