i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
