the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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