oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
