I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i came on her dog
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
