My first STD was from a foam party
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's never too late to be topless.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
