1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
