Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
