My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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