So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
