Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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