just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
