Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
