just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
