I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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