Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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