mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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