It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
