So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
