he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I AM VODKA MAN
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
