My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
