the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
