fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
