i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
