awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
