Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
