my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
