I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
