come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
