True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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