i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
