brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You need Xanax blowdarts
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
