I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
