I want you more than these girls want KFC
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm too high and old for this...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
