I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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