Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have aggressive nipples.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
