I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
