By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
