My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
