His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
