I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
