Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
