She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
