We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
