I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Randomize
