Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
