i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just found puke in my bra..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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