Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
