just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
