By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
