Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm really busy with my period
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